What can I say? I love life and living. Its not like I haven’t had an absolutely amazing time while here with you all. I have. So don’t go asking me no dumb questions about how I coulda or how I shoulda. I did what I wanted to do with my life. I had an amazing singing career and then I had an amazing romance.
Who said that I was wrong and they were right? How do you know that I didn’t want to die right now before the ravages of age took what was left of my looks? Who told you I’m not completely happy to have moved on before you awful people could find more bullshit to say about me and mine?
Who said that I didn’t plan it precisely to die the night before the biggest event in the annual music calendar? Of course I did. I AM a Diva. I was getting tired of the BS; comeback was just too much of an effort. It was easier to just enjoy the high; the world is going to hell in a hand basket anyway.
And how dare you treat my beloved the way you did at my funeral, the father of my only child, the man that I spend 15 wonderful years with. I don’t care what you people think we should have done or could have done. We lived our life the way we wanted and we took the consequences of our decisions. So lay off okay. How dare you ask him to leave the front row!
It was great that you all tune in to my funeral and that all my dear friends and colleagues came and sang and attended church for the first time in a decade but hey J, I tried to call you the week before I died and you very deliberately blew me off. That wasn’t very nice. I know you only came to my funeral because you knew the coverage would be huge, any opportunity to beam your face to the trusting audience.
Yeah I know you too. Mouthing off about how I died and why I died. Sounds like you ain’t never even lived. Don’t judge me by your standards. I never did anything too you. Keep your peace because sister you will meet me up here eventually. Don’t let me have to prepare a not so welcoming party for you.
Momma I know you don’t want to accept it but your innocent little angel grew up a long time ago. You can’t keep blaming everybody else for what happened to me. I know you’re hurting right now and have been for a while but it ain’t your fault momma. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. It was just me. It was how I wanted to live my life. I lived my dream, it was my dream.
I loved my husband and I loved the hallucinatory experiences that we shared. Momma you wouldn’t understand, I know, but it was sort of how you used to tell me it felt for you singing in the choir. It was my own religious experience. I know it ruined my voice and my looks and even my personality and that is why I did try to get off the high but I just couldn’t do it.
I started taking the prescription pills to take the edge off my raw nerves after rehab, rehab sucks they are legal after all even if they are just as addictive and mood altering. And I never really did get off the alcohol. I just liked it too much almost as much as I liked my cigarettes. I know it was bad for my voice but I just loved to smoke.
I think it’s faintly ridiculous when celebrities insure parts of their body and stuff. Do you think I should have insured my voice? And lived my life around its preservation for the constant pleasure of the world? Hey what about me? I appreciate all the love and my fans and all but hey I had a life too. Why can’t nobody just respect that? Respect that I was an adult entitled to my choices and my mistakes.
The rehab and the divorce and all were just me going through a mid life crisis. All I really wanted was to be with my husband and my kid. We weren’t perfect but we were perfect for each other. We loved each other and you don’t have to understand that. Surely you can tolerate a little diversity in love too? We don’t have to love each other the same way you do, do we?
It’s all over now, I’m glad I was remembered for the joy my songs brought, I’m sad that my dear husband will forever be blamed for my choices and their consequences. I wasn’t a little child you know, as a matter of fact I was 7 years older than him. Why you want to take away my agency and my capacity? Why are you assuming that I became some sort of a door mat the minute I married him?
I hope you all can move on now, I hope that the one thing you learn from my life and death is the importance of living it on your terms. I didn’t blame anyone for my weaknesses and my fuck ups. Why would you? Move on, be happy, love your partner, your kids and God. And you’ll be fine.
I will always love you
Till we meet again, adieu!
27/2/2012
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